Why Me?
by Crazy Authoresses CAT and AMS
Summary: Harry and Hermione switch bodies because of a minor mistake in Potions. Can they stand a week as each other? Completely revamped!
1. Why me?

                                                WHY ME?????

(A/N- I, VG, am completely revamping most of the stories under this name, as I'm in 11th/12th grade and really, really cringe to see some of my old writing. Well, I'll try to salvage! I hope you all enjoy... I don't think there are enough of these wacked-out humor stories in this category!) FYI- This is pre-Order of Phoenix!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything affiliated to HP, so don't sue me... and if you thought I did, I'd recommend scheduling your yearly appointment early!

                                    Chapter One: Panic in Potions

            Harry felt himself drifting off again to the sound of one of Snape's famous lectures on tardiness or something that Harry didn't really care about. Fortunately, before Snape's piercing gaze got to Harry, Hermione dug her elbow into his rib.  
" Harry, don't fall asleep; you're going to miss what we have to do. Don't count on me bailing you out all the time!" Hermione whispered in her most exasperated tone of voice.

Harry and Ron seemed to be equally "interested" in Hermione's lecture as Snape's, and both of their heads began to sink toward their desks.  
"They shouldn't have Potions first class of the day, 'Mione..." Harry muttered through a wide yawn.  
"Yeah, I'm with Harry on this one." Ron mumbled through his arms, where he was "resting" his head.

Hermione sighed sharply, and resisted the urge to slap the two awake.  
"You know," she began in _that_ tone of voice, "If we mess up, you two are to blame--."

Snape, however, interrupted the beginnings of another lecture with a proclamation of doom, which he seemed to be directing gloatingly to the three Gryffidors in the back-most row.  
"Now, get to it. It counts for a test grade. And Harry, Hermione, and Ron: five points from Gryffindor each for talking."  
Hermione hit her head on the table in frustration for her loss of points. Ron and Harry seemed less upset, but saved their favorite brain from losing a few more cells by seizing Hermione by the arms and pulling her away from the table. In the front row, Draco sniggered in his most condescending way and muttered something that sounded a lot like 'filthy know-it-all-mudblood', and it was Hermione's turn to restrain the two raucous boys, stifling a yawn as she did. Soon, however, an impatient sigh from Hermione brought them out of their rantings, lest she start another lecture.  
"So, Hermione, what are we supposed to do again?" Ron said with a sheepish grin.  
"I told you so. Well, if YOU would have been paying attention, YOU would have known."   
"Come on, Hermione," Harry moaned placating, "it counts for a TEST grade. Please tell us?"

Hermione's eyes widened in panic and her voice came out breathier than usual.  
"That might not have been a problem if I actually heard what he said!"  
"Meh..." Ron said nonchalantly, "Well, there go our grades, Harry. Always knew I'd fail Potions... no big loss. Snape'd probably find a way to fail us anyways..."

Harry nodded and tried to settle himself back into a comfortable position, which proved almost impossible with Hermione panicking beside him. Without much interest, he raised his head and listened with half an ear to what she said, though he already knew what was coming.  
"What will _I_ do? I'll _FAIL_ a test! Do you understand the gravity of that????"   
"Hermione, it's just one grade." He responded groggily, "Don't worry... Snape can't possibly fail you, no matter how much he probably wants to. All your potions are perfect... one won't hurt."  
"But-- It's a hundred points! One. Hun. dred."

Ron looked up from the speck of dust he'd been studying to grimace at her in mock-disgust and shrug.  
"Well, we could always guess on it..."

Hermione rolled her eyes, looked around the room frantically, and began paging through the book. Harry and Ron rolled their eyes too, but for a very different reason. Knowing they wouldn't get any rest in while Hermione was in danger of failing a test score, they shot out more suggestions, knowing that none of them would satisfy her.   
"Why don't we just ask someone?" Harry sighed, looking wistfully at Neville, Seamus, and Dean's group, who had at least started something… though Harry wasn't entirely sure that the potion was supposed to be trying to crawl out of the cauldron.  
"That would be cheating! I am _NOT_ cheating."

Ron and Harry exchanged glances and sighed.  
"For the love of peach fuzz, Hermione... It's too bloody early for this." Ron groaned, "This is our vegetative period. If we don't get into a trance-stage early on, Snape's complaining might actually affect us."

"Most of your classes are vegetative for you two. And Ron...where on _Earth _did you learn that saying???" She snickered before returning to the book.

"Awww, shut up..."

They exchanged almost-bickering glances, and Harry intervened before Snape could take off any more points and Hermione lost any more brain cells.  
"Well, what _do _you suggest if we can't ask, then?"

This was obviously the wrong question, for Hermione's eyes darted around in renewed panic, and she buried her head in her arms. Ron gave him a why'd-you-g-and-do-that look, and Snape looked positively hawk-like, as they hadn't even started brewing anything remotely resembled a potion yet.  
"Umm, I think he said something about the second spell on two hundred ten..." Hermione said, snapping her head up and rifling through the pages of the textbook for about the third time in five minutes.   
"And that spell would be...?"   
"Oh, look for yourself, Ron." she snapped, "Don't you have eyes?"

She slid her book over to him and watched in a tug-of-war between mortification and satisfaction as he skimmed the page.  
"Ok." Harry grinned, "See, everything's just fine, and we aren't even going to flunk! Hermione saves the day again; she's never messed a potion up!"  
"_OH NO_, everything is NOT ok... I'm not doing THAT!" Ron said, a bit too loudly, causing quiet snickers from the Slytherin tables and sympathetic looks from the Gryffindors.  
"How bad could it be?" Harry muttered, slightly disgruntled as his prospect of a restful Potions period shattered.  
" Look." Hermione commanded bossily, a blush spreading to her cheeks as she shoved the book to Harry in turn.

Harry ogled the page in disbelief. It didn't seem possible for even Snape to be this evil. The illustrations on the page alone were enough to give him nightmares for weeks… upon weeks…

 "That's torture!"  
"No getting around it." Hermione said, with a hint of pleading in her voice, "So... who's going to do it with me? I'm sure Snape wouldn't assign it if he didn't have the antidote."  
"Count me out!" Ron said, his eyes going wild. "I'd never hear the end of it from Fred and George."

Faced with a prospect worse than facing Voldemort any number of times or being trampled by rabid hippogriffs, Harry paled and quivered.

_'Please, Lord,' _he thought, '_if you could just say that it isn't so... I'd pray every night, floss, forgive the Dursleys', ignore Draco... anything!'_

"But-- I'd be in a girl's body!" He whispered with a blush.  
"_AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?" _Hermione hissed under her breath, glaring daggers at Harry.  
"Well, considering I'm a guy..."

Harry was obviously a hard nut to crack, so Hermione knew that she had no choice but to employ a tactic that has worked for countless women who wanted to manipulate men over the years. Hermione dealt the lowest blow she could: she widened her eyes, batted her eyelashes, and pouted prettily.

"It will only be for a couple of minutes... please, Harry?"  She sighed in a wistful voice.  
"Ten points off Gryffindor for excessive noise during testing." Snape glared, finally pushed over the edge by the incessant talking from the table.

Hermione pouted and glared ever-so-slightly at Snape for breaking her "spell". Persuading Harry would take more than that: it would take ruthlessness. Thus, she took a page from Dobby's book and began to pound her head on the desk again, fake tears brimming in her eyes.

"I'm ruined." She sniffled despairingly as Harry and Ron rescued her from concussion yet again.

"Fine, Hermione, I'll do it!" Harry sighed, and Hermione beamed at him in triumph.  
"You know..." Ron mused, "hitting your head is self-abuse if it's on purpose."

Hermione glared though her "tears" at her second obstacle and sniffled piteously.  
"Just shut up and let me concentrate on the ingredients-- that is, unless YOU want to do it." She snarled.  
"I'll go with the shutting up." Ron blurted immediately, leaving Harry to his all-but-death sentence.


	2. One day I'll look back and laugh

Why Me????

A/N- Hope you all like this! I'm doing three fics at once AND going on vacation, so I might be a little slow at updating, but bear with me! Read and review, please! Though I must warm you: any flames will be used to set Draco's gel-encrusted hair on fire! –grin- On to the story!

Disclaimer: Nope… still don't own HP… -light bulb goes off in head- that is, unless J.K. Rowling transferred ownership of the series to me! checks bank account Obviously not. Alas.

                                                Chapter Two- I'm never gonna hear the end of this…

"This is going to be one experience I'm gonna want to forget.." Harry grumbled, not wanting to believe that he was doing anything this stupid in front of Snape… and Draco. Hermione was concentrating on the ingredients and Ron was studying Dean's cauldron, whose contents seemed to be escaping again despite Dean's attempts to beat it into submission with a wooden stirring spoon.

_"_Hmmm, powdered werewolf claw-- Doesn't that seem a bit unethical? A pinch of dried hollyfig, one flask of water, a cup of penguin bile, ...and blue toad hair. Stir eight and a half times in a counter-clockwise fashion. Heat on low flame for 123 seconds…Now, say the incantation over the potion, Harry."

Almost resigned to his fate, Harry gave the tiniest of groans. Snape was still swooping around to each table handing out criticism, and the dungeon seemed like more of a trap than it ever had been before. Knowing Snape, the Daily Prophet would have a piece on him as a cross-dresser in no time.  
 "What do I have to say?"   
 "It's in the book. I can't say it without you or it won't work."   
 "Then let me see the book."  
 "Here... didn't you bring YOUR book?"

Hermione looked at him disgruntledly, almost resembling Snape when he was about to give a telling-off. Harry wisely dropped the subject as soon as he could, though apparently not soon enough. Hermione pushed her book toward him a little harder tan necessary and muttered something about slackers.  
 "Heh heh heh... we better get to work on this!" He chuckled nervously, trying to escape the wrath of Hermione.  
 "I swear, one of these days..."   
 "Uhh... ready?? Here it goes. One day I'll look back and laugh about this..." Harry muttered in the most pathetic voice he could muster.  
 Ron snickered. "Don't worry, I will too."   
They recite the incantation, and they both take a draught of the potion,  somehow managing to keep it down.

(A/N- From now on, it's the person, not the body that is referred to. I.e- 'Hermione ran over the small bunny' would be referring to Hermione, not Harry in Hermione's body. Got it? No? Confused? Ah well..)  
"Eww … I think that may have been worse than the Polyjuice potion."  Hermione grimaced   
 "Tell me about it, Hermione."  Harry said in a pronounced masculine timbre, which usually would have been normal... of course, nothing about the day was normal and Ron began to snicker.  
 "Well, it worked." Ron said, turning red from trying not to laugh, "Wait a second… why does everyone else in the class have a red potion? Well, except Dean…"

Pure panic registered on Hermione's face. She hadn't listened to a teacher once in her life and his is what she got for it: a Potion's class in her friend's body. One, she was sure, that no one would ever let her forget, for Snape had turned from reprimanding Neville in the usual way and was heading toward their table.  
 "Harry, Ron, Hermione, where's your potion? Slacking as usual, I see."

"Well it's--" Hermione began nervously, her mind racing to find a way out of the predicament. She, however, was not prepared when Snape released the full fury toward Harry in a super-hell-freezing verbal tirade, something Hermione seldom had to endure, even in Snape's class.

"DID YOU DO THE CORRECT SPELL, MR. POTTER?" Snape seethed while Hermione wondered if that really was a speck of foam at the corner of his mouth.

"I... don't think so. I'm Hermione, professor." She quavered quietly, praying that the Slytherin table wouldn't catch wind of the development.

Snape favored her with a glare colder than anything she'd ever seen. Though he might be a professor now, there's something about having a former Death Eater stare you down that tends to make you just a wee bit twitchy.

_Is this what Harry goes through every day? Geez, I'd suspect him of trying to kill me every year, too..._

"Very funny, Mr. Potter-- ten points from Gryffindor for your little "joke". Now let me see your duplication draught."

"But-- I. am. Hermione. Granger." She whispered, the blush coming back.

Harry, however, saved her from Snape's further fury by moaning softly and burying his head in his hands.

"You mean-- we weren't supposed to do the second spell on page two hundred ten?" He groaned as Ron tried to keep his silent hysterical laughter from spilling out and attracting any attention. Snape's eyes glinted and his voice came out in a positive hiss that Harry was certain could have qualified as Parseltongue.

"NO, YOU WERE TO DO THE SEVENTH POTION DOWN." Snape blazed.

"My mistake? Heh..." Harry began, but trailed off as Snape snatched the textbook from in front of him and paged through, obviously channeling his want to maim the two students to the poor book.

"You're a bigger imbecile than I though, Mr. Potter. This is a very obscure, virtually pointless potion. Why anyone would think that we were going to study it in class is beyond me. It's _quite_ unfortunate, but I don't have the antidote for this. It will take a week-- or perhaps more-- to brew it. Until then, the situation is out of my control."

Snape turned on his heels, ruthless as ever, but all Harry and Hermione cared about was that he hadn't announced it to the class. However, a bag of dung bombs could have likely exploded in the room and no one would have card. They were all too busy sneaking furtive peaks at the creature that was still trying to get out of Neville's cauldron and that had just turned bright pink after Seamus had tried to pour in half a bottle of chamomile essence in an attempt to "calm" it down.

"A WEEK?" Harry and Hermione gaped at each other in panic.

"…I'm a dude that looks like a lady for a week."

"NO, YOU'RE A LADY FOR A WEEK. Capiche?" Hermione glared at… well, herself. "Either way, you two are out of luck. And Harry-- Well, Harry in Hermione's body... was right: he _is_ going to look back at this and laugh….. someday. Ah, and I will too..." Ron mused, thoroughly amused.  
Harry and Hermione looked at each other and said simultaneously, "Why me?"   
 "Hehehe... well at least it's not for the rest of your life." Ron grinned, infinitely glad that he had refused to take that evil potion of chaos.  
 "But I have a Quidditch game against _SLYTHERIN _in two days! Snape probably has the antidote, but just wants "me" to play like a girl against his team..."  
 "Oh nononono... I am _not_ flying. No way. ...And I'd have to go to Trelawney's class again!"

Their pity party, however, was interrupted when Snape came marching back to their table carrying two oddly sinister-looking white slips from his desk.

"Mr. Potter and Miss Granger. I will not tolerate you two sorting out your sordid little love affairs in my class. In fact, love notes during testing are completely inappropriate. I'm sending you both to Dumbledore's office so that you're not a distraction to the class-- or each other. Go. Now."

He towered in what was a very good expression of outrage (undoubtedly aided by years of wanting to send Harry to Dumbledore's office for discipline), and the Slytherin side erupted in catcalls and laughter. Ron shot them a good-luck sort of look, and stared apprehensively from the seventh spell down on two hundred and ten to his newly-cleaned cauldron. Had the class been looking closer, they would have seen that "Harry" was blushing much more than a normal boy would and that Hermione was using the ungraceful gait of a teenaged boy.    
Once out in the hall, Hermione's eyes widened in panic.

"But I've never been to a principle's office because I was in trouble! What if it goes on a transcript or something? I'll never get a job!"

"Oh, calm down. It's not THAT bad..."

Nothing, however, was going to pacify Hermione once she'd gotten on a roll.

"And I can't believe Snape! Making us the laughingstock of the class. I mean honestly, would I ever write a love letter?"

Nothing, perhaps, except her own body tripping and falling on her.

"Geez!" Harry said with a grimace, nursing an ankle.

"What's wrong?" Hermione asked quickly, hoping that five minutes hadn't done any permanent damage on her body.

Harry tried to look away, but it's a lot harder than one thinks when it's your own face glowering at you.

"I can't get used to these legs! …And I keep looking down and getting distracted… and they throw my balance off!" he blushed.   
"PERVERT!" Hermione screeched, "I do NOT want you looking at _my_ body like that!!!"

Seamus, however, chose that moment to walk past at that moment, a spello-taped shut cauldron in tow.

"Woah, mate. Am I interrupting something good here?" He leered, grinning at the two of them still sprawled on the ground.

"Heh… it's uhhh… nothing. Nothing at all." Hermione stammered, blushing fiercely.

"Oh butt out, Seamus. It's not what you think. She tripped." Harry returned, forgetting that she wasn't a suitable pronoun for the situation.

"She?" Seamus grinned.

"Oh, you know what I meant. Now go dispose of that thing before it comes to get us in our sleep. What DID you do, anyways?"

"A mix of potions three and four. Apparently Animation Draft and Stretching Serum don't go together. Go figure… Well, I better be off to take this to Hagrid."

"If you so much as breathe a word about this to anyone--" Harry began, shouting to Seamus' turned back.

He turned back a fraction of a second and gave them an evil grin that rivalled the Weasley twins' expression after a practical joke.

 "Don't worry... I won't tell anyone but the entire Gryffindor table at lunch. I thought you two would never actually get around to admitting you liked each other…"

"It's not like that, Seamus..." Hermione pleaded, "You misunderstood... or misheard.. or..."

She trailed off as she realized that she was talking to thin air.

"Bloody gossiper..." She muttered.

"Just what we need: a rumor going around in addition to THIS." Harry muttered, trying to hide a blush from creeping to his cheeks.

_It just goes to show that you should never tell any important secrets to other guys. _He thought bitterly. Still… at least Seamus had kept his mouth shut a little.

They passed through the halls almost automatically in an awkward silence (owed, no doubt to being tormented about imaginary love notes… not to mention the unsettling feeling that comes with your voice coming out sounding like the opposite sex.). Therefore, the gargoyle blocking the entrance to Dumbledore's office loomed ahead of them much sooner than they would have hoped. His out-of-focus eyes immediately fixed on them, and a mischievous grin spread across his face, making him look like a stone Cheshire cat who had just seen a pair of juicy mice walk under its tree.

"Ahh… students." He smirked, almost licking his lips in anticipation, "impeccable timing, too. I was just getting bored."

And if there's anything worse than a six-foot-tall gargoyle towering over you, it's a _bored _six-foot tall gargoyle towering over you.


	3. The Office or Hermione's Hell

Why Me?

Chapter Three

(Hey! That rhythms!)

A/N- I'm baaack! And it's time for a word to my reviewers!

Thanks to everyone who reviewed! sniffles You guys are so nice!!! I love the people in this section…

**Funness- **I had fun with that line, too! I'm undecided, but leaning toward H/H. Still, we'll see where it goes!****

**HarryLuver422**- Thanks for the suggestion, but that's kind of how it's being portrayed in the story. Sorry if it's confusing… it's a risk in this kind of story. I will have another explanation at the end of this section, though, so I hope that that helps out anyone who might be confused.

**Sweet 16 Movie Buff- **Thanks! I'm glad you liked it… and sorry about those errors! I miss them sometimes… and it doesn't help that my keyboard sucks…

**Artemis Moonsong**- Sorry you didn't like the whole dude-looks-like-a-lady thing… it was an obscure reference to an Aerosmith song that a friend suggested. Although… now that I think about Harry quoting an Aerosmith song in his British accent, I'm never going to keep a straight face through that song again… -grins- And I didn't really mean that he blushes any differently, just at different times. A girl is way more likely to get more embarrassed in that kind of situation and show it than a guy. I'm glad that you criticized, tho! It always helps!

**Okaishichan**- Whew… aren't we all? No fear, that's coming up soon.

**PrincessEilonwy**- New material in this update… I promise! Don't worry, you're not crazy—most of the last two chapter's dialogue was the same as the first version, but I tweaked the scenarios a lot! Glad you liked it! And the Ron emotional-range-of-a-teaspoon thing was one of my favorite parts of that book…

Who am I kidding, if it were up to me, I'd thank all of you personally, but must…cut…self…off… Thanks lots and lots to everyone else who reviewed! I really, really appreciate it!!! I mean it!!!…and it'll make me update faster -wink-   And remember how at the first chappie I said that this was pre-GoF and OoP? Errrr… I kinda lied… it's more of a AU OoP with some elements of the original that's a wee bit perkier. Or a post OoP. Kind of… It's a little hard to explain how my mind works, but I hope you guys don't mind. I keep getting ideas that they need to be at a certain Year to do (get your mind out of the gutter!!!!), so that's that, I guess! Alright, now I'm just stalling! Hope you all like this chapter, too! This is the Happy-Birthday-to-me-and-Harry chapter (my b-day's on Aug.3)!!! So I'll take reviews as acceptable gifts… or cash… cash is always good. her friends whack her over the head for trying to violate the no-profit-disclaimer-thing Gah……. On to the story…

Explanation- Alrighty, just to clear things up, the POV is written so that it's referring to the person's mind, not what body they are in. For example, in a sentence like  'Hermione ran from a herd of rabid penguins.', the name Hermione is referring to Hermione's mind, not Hermione's body. She's still in Harry's body, but Hermione is used instead of Harry. Well, I hope that I didn't make it any more confusing. If anyone reading has a better way of explaining it, let me know!

Disclaimer: Bank account still not in the billions, so I guess that I don't own the HP series... yet! –sigh-

Hermione screwed her eyes shut, wishing that when she opened them the gargoyle would stop his creepy leering and move out of the way. Like most of her wishes on that particular day, however, it remained trapped in the spam filter of God's inbox.

"Password, please." The gargoyle grinned, displaying all of his pointed stone teeth in glee.

"See, the problem with that is—" Harry began meekly before being cut off by a sharp snap of stone teeth.

"Password, please." The gargoyle repeated in a slightly more menacing tone.

"Errr… ok. Harry? What's the password?" Hermione sighed.

"I don't know. Dumbledore always changes it. But it's usually a kind of sweet…"

Hermione favored him with an icy glare.

"Do you have any idea how many possibilities that leaves us with???"

"Yes, but we have to start somewhere… or we could just turn around, wait for the antidote, and pretend that this never, _ever_ happened. That works for _me…_"

"Oh, shut up, Harry. You're staying right here if I have to use a sticking charm." She scowled, and turned back to the gargoyle, "Is it toffee?"

"No." The gargoyle said with relish, leaning back to see how long these students would go on guessing before they gave up.

"Licorice?" Harry asked impatiently.

"No."

"Fizzing Whizbees, ton-tongue toffee, snickers, canary creams, Bertie Botts'every flavor beans, Skittles, Blood suckers, pixie sticks… come on!" Harry shouted at the unresponsive statue, "It's got to be some sort of candy!"

 "No...do you really think that Dumbledore's dumb enough to make getting into his office _that_ easy?"

"So you mean all the other times I've guessed, you've been humoring me???"

"Yup… pretty much." The gargoyle shrugged.

Glaring at the gargoyle and muttering something about harassment, Harry slumped to the floor.

"We're never getting in. We'll just waste away while this gargoyle gloats at us..."

"Sounds like a fun plan, huh?" The gargoyle snickered, refusing to back down from Hermione's withering glare and Harry's near-tantrum.

"You're a lot meaner than usual." Harry snarled, contemplating whether banging his head on the floor would help or hinder the situation. The conclusion he came to wasn't promising: it was obvious that the gargoyle and his incredibly big head wouldn't care whether he knocked himself out or not.

"Yeah, well the job gets really dull. Frustrating you children is the only light in my otherwise bland, monotonous existence. Password, please."

"Gummi Bears... AM I EVEN GETTING CLOSE??" Harry sighed, close to sobbing.

Hermione sniffled in exasperation, and also considered banging her head against the wall.

"PLEASE, just tell Professor Dumbledore that Hermione Granger and Harry Potter _NEED_ to talk to him!"

"Oh." The gargoyle said, obviously disappointed. " …I guess you can go in."

"WHAA????" Both exclaimed, nearly keeling over in shock.

"The professor said that I could let you two in. Can't you hear?"

"HEY! But you _knew_ who I was! So you were just--" Harry began weakly.

"Yup, toying with you two, but can you blame me? Besides, you both seem to forget who you _appear_ to be, so I cannot be held responsible if I couldn't let you in for trying to pass off for fraud."

Harry looked at him blankly.

"Huh?"

"It's a matter of national security. Now go on into the office before I change my mind and decide that you two are terrorists trying to—

The gargoyle cut off his lecture as the pair ran past him, obviously taking their opportunity while they could.

"Bloody gender-confused students…" He muttered as he settled back into a comfortable position and resumed his daydream about the statue of Verialla the Vain on the third story.

"Stupid gargoyle…" Harry muttered for about the twentieth time since they'd entered the corridor, "I think it was easier to get to the sorcerer's stone than it was to get past that DAMNED…"

Harry, cut himself off as he looked over to see his hands covering his face and his body shaking. Hermione was doing something that could inspire fear into the heart of any sane male: crying.

_Don't pull a Cho… Even worse, PLEASE, don't pull a Cho in my body…_He prayed silently.

 "Huh? What's wrong?? It's ok! Uh, Snape'll have the remedy in no time… and don't mind that garg--"

Hermione looked up at him and began to sputter with a grin on her face, which escalated to a full-blown laugh.

"You should have seen your face!" She managed before dissolving into giggles again, "You'd think I had a disease…"

Harry scowled. True, he didn't have much experience with girls that were prone to crying except one that he didn't like to mention, but he was sure that he didn't do _that_ bad. At least he didn't tell her to stuff a cork in it or something—though, in retrospect, it didn't seem like a bad idea. Beside him, Hermione was beginning to turn red from trying (unsuccessfully) to hold in her giggles.

"Jeez… don't hyperventilate…" Harry muttered bitterly.

She scowled at him and smacked him over the head.

"Don't get all angsty on me. It's really annoying. Come on, I wasn't even laughing at you… at first…kinda…"

"What were you laughing at then?"

"Err… I have one question for you."

Harry look at her suspiciously. Questions and Hermione never boded well for him when combined. Still, he nodded his head tentatively.

"Why didn't we use your invisibility cloak?"

As usual, Hermione-logic had gotten the better of him. In fact, more than getting the better of him, it had bludgeoned him over the head with a frying pan. He stood rooted to the spot in the hallway, mouth hanging open and cursing his stupidity.

"… nice of you to remind me AFTER we fought with that gargoyle for a solid half-hour!"

Hermione glared down the hallway to the entrance and turned back to Harry looking extremely exasperated.

"Well, it only occurred to me after he saw us. I didn't expect him to give us any trouble… you've never had a problem before!"

Harry gave up and laughed weakly and began to walk on as Hermione slowed to a stop and paled slightly as she looked down to see that she was still clutching the White Slip of Imminent Doom. Beyond the short passage was a chamber that not even the Weasley twins had seen under disciplinary action: the lair of Dumbledore, one of the most powerful wizards in the witching world.

_I'll get detention for the rest of the term and I'll never ever be able to get a good job! I'm ruined! I'll never get to be a prefect or head girl or..._

"Oi!" Harry shouted from the end of the corridor impatiently, "Are you coming, Hermione?"

He noticed her silent paleness, frowned and made his way back down to where Hermione was petrified on the spot.

 "What's wrong?"

"It's just that…I—I-- haven't ever really been in trouble before, and I've never been to Dumbledore's office and—"

"Bah… that was just Snape's evil little attempt to make the day worse. It's not even valid. We didn't pass love notes, remember? And as for Dumbledore's office, it can't be as bad as Snape's storeroom, and you had to sneak into there. You'll probably love it; there are more rare magical instruments than I can count."

He gently pulled her forward and they made their way to the room that illuminated the end of the hallway with its friendly glow.

"See?" Harry smirked, "Not as bad as you thought it would be, is it?"

As they entered the room, Hermione gaped in awe at the surroundings. Her gaze darted from one magical instrument to another so quickly that when Harry looked over at her, he had to concentrate to not get dizzy from all her eye movements.

"Gah! This is even worse than the time I tried to watch Hermione speed read… I think I'm gonna be sick." Harry groaned, looking away from his extremely frenetic friend.

"Oooohhhh, look, Harry! There's a Kaleidoverita! Those are super rare! And over there's a Stenotrope! I think there are only 11 of those in the world. Oh my God, he even has a Palantrenograph! WHY HAVE YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT ANY OF THIS BEFORE, HARRY????"

"How can MY brain even process things so fast???? It seems exhausting… you better not wear it out!! That thing has to last me a good 70 years! And there's no warranty…" Harry sighed wistfully, moving to pet Fawkes, who seemed slightly suspicious of his body.

Within a few seconds, Dumbledore entered the room, followed by Dobby in his normal outrageous get-up pushing a tea cart. Harry waved to him energetically, and Dobby looked faintly puzzled by this, but uncertainly waved back.

"Ah, I'm glad that you like an old man's toys, Hermione. Though I must admit that it's rather unsettling seeing Harry get so excited over them…"

Hermione beamed at him uncertainly, and Harry tried to scowl, but gave up on it. Scowling at Dumbledore was not something he wanted to do in normal circumstances, let alone when he was trapped for a week in his best girl friend's body. Besides, with his smile and silvery beard, it was like trying to give the evil eye to Santa.

"Ah, but I'm forgetting. You two have certainly had a trying day. Have a cookie." He motioned to the trolley and Harry immediately grabbed about eight of the chocolate drenched confections, much to Dobby's approval. Hermione, however, glared at him with McGonagall-like ferocity.

"Put. Down. The. Cookies. And. No. One. Gets. Hurt." Hermione snarled, eyes on fire.

Harry's eyes widened and he let the cookies drop to the table in front of him, his hands shaking in fear.

"Dobby's never seen Harry Potter this angry before. Is something wrong with the cookies that Dobby baked for him?" Dobby sniffled, cowed by "Harry's" tirade.

"Wha? Oh.. errr… no, nothing's wrong with them really…" Hermione sputtered.

"Huh? Then I _waaaant_one…" Harry sniffled, "And Dumbledore asked!!!"

Hermione's eyes resumed the burning as she went on.

_Meep__…_Harry thought,_ she's really, really scary if she glares at you like that. Almost worse than Voldemort…_

"I've been on a diet all year, and I'm not about to have you ruin it!! If I'm gonna break it, _I'm_ gonna eat the food!! Just because Quidditch players like you get so much exercise and can eat whatever they want doesn't mean that the rest of us can. You'd better watch your step, or…" she trailed off sheepishly, realizing that Dumbledore was watching them and attempting to cover up a grin.

"Ah, the vigor of youth…" He grinned, "I don't think that you need a diet, my dear, but I'm sure that you won't take an old coot's word for it. Anyways, I believe that there is a giant elephant in the room that everyone's trying to ignore. You were sent down here for a reason."

"Your guard seemed to conveniently forget that…" Hermione muttered darkly.

Dumbledore smiled knowingly and took a cookie for himself.

"I hope that Gus (A/N- Anybody ever read the Robert Aspirin MYTH books? Sound familiar? No? Oh well... you should read them!) didn't trouble you that much. He _is_ relatively harmless, though. I'm sorry, but I'd expected you to use your Invisibility Cloak. If I had known you'd use the more conventional way, I would have given him clearer instructions."

At the mention of the Invisibility Cloak cringed and rested his head in his hands, cursing himself again.

"It's a long story…" Harry groaned miserably as Hermione gloated slightly beside him.

"Now." Dumbledore sighed, combing his fingers through his beard, "as for your condition, I'm afraid that Snape was correct when he estimated a week to brew the antidote."

Pure panic registered on Harry's face.

"You mean that _you_ can't even do anything????? We're doomed."

Dumbledore sighed and nodded while Hermione and Harry spiraled deeper into despair, Harry's fueled mostly by the forbidden cookies taunting him cruelly.

_What good's a girl's body for a week if it's this hard to maintain??? _He sniffled mentally.

"There are two possible solutions to this problem. You two could attempt to keep this a secret: Snape was quite successful in diverting attention from what really happened. Only Ron knows, after all, and I'm sure that you two can trust him. There is, however, a down side."

"School off for a week???" Harry grinned, "We'll take it!"

Hermione elbowed him and glowered.

"What's the down side, professor?"

"I'm afraid that you'd have to sleep in an isolated dormitory. And none of your classmates could be able to guess at what happened, so we'd have to make up a malady so persistent and troublesome that not even wizardly medicine can cure it."

"And that disease would be?" Hermione winced, bracing herself.

"I'm afraid that you'd both have to pretend to have Mono." Dumbledore said, trying to suppress a chuckle.

"MONO????" Hermione squealed, outraged, "There is absolutely NO way that I'm missing school for a week AND pretending to be out sick with _mono_ with Harry! People talk as it is!"

Harry's dreams of a simple, uncomplicated week flew out the window and splattered into a brick wall.

"There is another option, my dear. It is perhaps more complicated and difficult, but less suspicious. You would have to spend the week as each other. This way, you can both honor your commitments and go to school. I'm sure that something could be arranged as far as grading goes." Dumbledore smiled, noticing Hermione's fearful glances at Harry, "Are you both up for the challenge?"

The two looked at each other briefly and nodded in assent. It was bound to be one interesting week.

"We'll do it, Professor." Hermione quavered.

"…Even though it might kill me to starve for a week." Harry moaned.

"Of course you can eat! You can have all the salad you want." Hermione smirked sardonically, pocketing a cookie, "Welcome to my life."

"Shouldn't you be practicing Quidditch?" Harry retorted.

"Now, I believe that you two are missing lunch." Dumbledore winked wryly. "I wish you the best of luck."

"We're gonna need a whole lot more than luck." Harry groaned, "Are you sure you don't want to have Mono, Hermione?"

Hermione glared at him coldly.

"I didn't think so. That settles it—I'm doomed." Harry whimpered.

Post-story A/N-

.; This segment was a little out there, but I hoped you all liked it! Kinda OOC of Hermione to be on a diet, but I couldn't help it!!! Heehee… In the next episode, Care of Magical Creatures class, Quidditch practice, and an Announcement. Will they survive? It's not gonna be pretty… Please review! I'll get it done faster! See? I even updated this one within a year!!! sniff I'm so proud! I finished this chappie at 2:30 AM on my birthday! Is that dedication or what? Pretty rare for me, huh? If you want more insanity with HP, go to my fic in the Young Wizards department, too! Well, at any rate, thanks for reading and be nice to the pretty periwinkle box and give it a purpose in life!


	4. Just kill me now… Hey! Wait! Not really!

**Why Me?**

A/N- 70-review mark!! A new record for me! Guess what, everybody!! All-new, never before seen content in this one! Ok, so it's not really _all-new_… it's something I found on my computer that I'm rewriting, and I added some, but it's still new to you! And it's nice for lazy people like me… Anyhoo, as for the last chapter, I forgot to explain Mono, so helping me to explain is the cast of Harry Potter!

Hermione: YES! I'm back in my own body!!!! -hugs herself- I missed you sooo much! What did that mean boy do to you?

Harry: HEY! What are you implying???  
Hermione: …

Venus Goddess: Don't worry. It's only temporary

Hermione:-cough - You suck. -cough -

Venus Goddess: -sighs- Just define the term or I'll make you fall in love with Goyle…

Hermione: -gulps - Yes, ma'am! Mono is abbreviated from the term mononucleosis--

Ron: -eyes glaze over- Come on, Hermione… that's the boring definition!

-Ginny pops into the room-

Ginny: Oooo, who has mono???? -winks lewdly- Hermione, what have you and Harry been doing?

Hermione: -to Harry- See how fast it gets around to other people???? And nothing, Ginny! Geez… no one has mono!!!

Ginny: Gee, then you're still available, aren't you, Harry?

Harry: Errr… I don't think we ever actually defined it…

Hermione: -sighs- It's also known as the kissing disease, as it can most commonly be transmitted through contact with the mouth. It's able to keep a person semi-quarantined and bed-bound for up to months, though the witching world's version's span has been cut down to about a week or two.

Ron: -sighs- Leave it to Hermione to make mono sound boring…

-Lavender pops into the room-

Lavender: Huh? Who has mono????? Oooo, -winks lewdly- Hermione, what have you and Harry been doing?

Hermione: GAH!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!

Ron: You know, Harry, you probably should have taken the mono offer. Not only do you get a week off of school, but you also get to watch that neat little vein in Hermione's forehead throb… Wicked…

Venus Goddess: Well, I hope that explains it! Now, on to the story before Hermione goes on a spelling spree! Thanks to NothingComesBetweenMeHarr (Thank you very much! Reviews like this are so fun to see in my inbox!) Villagers (Another birthday wish! Kewl… thanks for the rave review!) Nachoman1 (Oh, lovely and coherent! Flattery's so fun for me… thanks!) roxy-babe88- (Thanks for the great review!) xPussyWillowKittenx (Heehe… I _am _pretty odd… -grins- And the Polyjuice potion's full explanation is coming soon… though thanks for making me think on that one! I hadn't thought of that!) friucake (thanks! I'll try to update again soon!), DarkHuntress (Thanks! This chapter should be.. interesting, too.), Sweet 16 Movie Buff (Oh, another frequent... I'm starting to get spoiled…), tom (all right! Will do! Thanks for reviewing!), Artemis Moonsong (Honestly! It was refreshing… -grins- Thanks for reviewing faithfully), fanjimmy (Thanks for the b-day wish -sniffles- I didn't even get any cards from distant relatives yet… only friends and close family!! -sigh- One even sent a birthday card to my sister (whose b-day is Aug. 16th) And not me!!!! I tell ya, I'm starting to feel like Harry here… -grins-), Funness (I hope the mini-segment helped you… I know I had fun writing it! Thanks for the compliments!), PrincessEilonwy (Another faithful reviewer! I feel so loved… Daily Prophet, eh? That _would_ be interesting… Oh, and another b-day wish! -sniff- Thanks!!!!), Trumpet-Geek (Hey! You're new AND the first reviewer! Alright!! And I was pondering that… hmmm, I guess we'll see how it turns out!)

I really appreciate everyone's review … What a great section… Anyways, thank you all very, very much!

**Chapter Four: Just kill me now… Hey! Wait! Not really!!!**

Lunch was quite possibly one of the most painful periods Harry had ever gone through. No, the Slytherins (or anyone else, for that matter) hadn't caught wind of the accident, but he was facing something quite more torturous than any torment they could dish out. Yes, staring back at him from his lunch plate tauntingly was the bane of all existence for a teenage boy; its leafy greens taunting him from that most sacred spot that he usually filled with steak-and-kidney pie or a nice pork chop meal. Yes, Hermione had commandeered his plate and was now forcing him to choose between starvation and salad. The week looked bleaker than ever, though Hermione continued to munch happily on her sandwich, blissfully unaware of the mental battle Harry was raging beside her against this monstrosity of a meal.

"Watching the old waistline, Harry?" Ron whispered, spearing the single piece of lettuce garnish from his plate and brandishing it at him menacingly.

"Oh, shut up, Ron. I'm in a bad enough mood without having to eat this Dursley diet food." He groaned, then turned to Hermione with a renewed light in his eyes and whispered, "Hermione? I think that you look fine the way you are. In fact, you'd probably beat Pansy in a swim suit competition."

"Swim suit competition?" Ron murmured, drooling slightly at more than the food, "That sounds like fun… You muggles have some great traditions…"

"Keep it up, Harry." Hermione glowered almost inaudibly, "But flattery like that will get you nowhere but the hospital wing. Oh, and don't think I won't botch your little Quidditch match against Slytherin if you don't start to cooperate. Now. Eat your lunch, dammit."

"I don't think she has to try botching it, Harry." Ron moaned quietly, careful to avoid the wrath of Hermione, "But, really, what did Dumbledore do to make her so touchy? And why the _hell_ are you eating salad?"

"It's a long story," Harry sighed, stabbing another leaf of lettuce more violently than needed, "But I'll explain later. All I've gotta say is that it's gonna be one looooong week."

Hermione groaned and motioned for them to follow her up from the table.

"I think I'll go for a walk. You two care to join?" She said, normal-toned.

Ron glanced at Harry, who shrugged, happy to leave the salad for the darkest recesses of the Hogwarts' trash bins. He went to straddle the bench to get out, but a buzz of chatter and several eyes (all directed at he and Hermione) watching caused him to pause. Seamus grinned evilly and gave him the thumbs up, while Fred and George ogled at him, making hand signs of simultaneous 1's and 0's.

"What?" Harry demanded fiercely, only to have half the students at tables in the vicinity to collapse into giggles.

"Err, Hermione?" Ginny's voice quavered, "You're kind of flashing everyone."

Though no one noticed Hermione in the corner, she smacked her hand against her forehead and muttered a few fragments about murder. Harry groaned and gave Fred, George, and Seamus a ruder hand gesture right back, and made way for the door way, dreading the wrath of Hermione all the while.

_Was the Great Hall always this big? _He thought desolately as the numerous pairs of eyes followed his every move, _And__ were there always this many students at the school?_

"I swear!" Hermione groaned as they turned the corner towards the lake, which was deserted of the usual lovey-dovey couples today, probably because of the sudden drop into almost-winter temperatures. "You leave him alone for one moment and he shows the whole school your underwear! Coupled with him in my Arithmancy classes, he'll destroy my reputation by the end of the week!"

"Yeah, well same goes here. You can't even fly a broomstick and Gryffindor is going to lose to Slytherin for the first time ever when 'I'm' playing!"

Hermione glared poisonously at him, and he almost thought of backing down, but it was too late.

"Thanks for having some faith in me!" She snarled.

Ron slowly backed away. It was never good to interrupt either of them when they got on a roll, but he'd never seen them have a row with each other where they were both raving mad. And getting in the middle of _that_ couldn't be good for his continued health. Still, as the tension escalated, he knew that they had to vent on someone, and that someone was tragically him by default.

"I'm sensing that the talk with Dumbledore wasn't exactly what you wanted, was it?" Ron murmured, waiting for the explosion.

Instead, Hermione and Harry both seemed to deflate a bit, and Hermione sank to the grass with a sigh.

"It's not as though it's that bad… It could be much worse, I suppose. It's just that we're going to be acting like each other for the whole. bloody. week. I don't want to play Quidditch, I don't want to go to Divination, and I certainly don't want to spend the week in the boy's dorm. It was either that or being out sick with mono all week, and—"

Hermione glared slightly at Ron, who was having a hard time suppressing laughter.

"Yes?" Hermione glared fiercely.

"Err.. nothing." He said guiltily, trying not to think about the rumors that would fly around school, "Come on, Hermione; don't take it so hard. You'll be fine… you're a genius. You'll come up with something. You always do. How about a Polyjuice potion? That seems fitting right now."

Harry perked up, but Hermione picked up a rock and hurled in into the lake, making an extremely large splash and making Ron glad she wasn't aiming for his head.

"You expect me to find something where Dumbledore didn't? Fat chance. And you know that a Polyjuice potion takes over a month to brew by oneself. And a considerable amount of stealing, too. Snape'd never let us have any of his stores either, I bet. Assuming he still has stores."

"Huh?" Harry puzzled.

"Oh, nothing." Hermione groaned in exasperation, "Come on, we need to go the Care of Magical Creatures, anyways. And Harry—?"

"Yeah, Hermione?"

"Don't punch Malfoy if he makes some snide comment about my panties or something. That's not my style… most of the time." Hermione said with a grin.

"Well, can I?" Ron said with a wistful look.

"Oh, whatever." Hermione muttered, rolling her eyes, "Guys…"

"You know, I really don't feel comfortable with my body complaining about men… it seems a little off."

"Oh, shut up, Harry. Now, remember, if we make one slip like the one we made to Seamus in the hallway—"

Harry and Ron rolled their eyes at each other and pretended to eagerly raise their hands.

"Oh! I know! We'd suffer constant ridicule at the hands of our Slytherin classmates!" Harry grinned.

"Pick me! And remember, Harry," Ron said, mimicking Hermione's tone, "If you don't get every question right and you ruin my reputation, I'll jinx you from here to—"

Hermione glowered at them, but panic slowly took over.

"Errr, Hermione?" Harry said in growing dread, "What _is_ our lesson today? Please, let it be flobberworms…"

She sighed and picked up her pace a bit more, making a beeline for Hagrid's hut, and nearly tripping over a inconveniently-placed stone in her haste.

"I don't know… Hagrid said that it would be a 'surprise' last lesson. I have a very bad feeling about Hagrid's idea of a surprise, too. Please, just pretend like you know, and—"

"Give up, 'Mione," Ron said, eyeing up Harry, "You're doomed."

"I know. Maybe if we make it to Hagrid's early, he'll tell us…" Hermione said, flustered.

Unfortunately, as they made their way across the school grounds, the forms of their Slytherin classmates were determinable as well as an absence of Hagrid's usual hulking figure.

"Hey, there, Granger" A familiar voice drawled, "We thought we'd come early to see if you'd put on another show for us."

Harry glowered and he and Hermione held Ron back.

"Then you'd better go ask Pansy, because she's the only one desperate enough to do that for you. Of course, you probably had daddy pay her off like everything else." Harry said, surprised that it hadn't come out as something more like 'Shove off, Malfoy'.

The effect, however, was interesting, he had to admit. Draco's eyebrows raised in shock and Pansy flew into a temper, her face bright red.

"YOU GRIMY LITTLE MUD-BLOOD!" She bellowed, flying at Harry, fists flailing.

And if there's anything more frightening than a thoroughly pissed-off woman, Harry had yet to see it.

"Is that the best insult you've got?"

"You always think you're so much better than everyone else, don't you?" Pansy sneered, nose-to-nose with Harry.

"Well, I personally think that's more of a Slytherin trait." Harry said, despite his best attempts at keeping his rebellious mouth shut.

This was rather fascinating… an unfiltered Hermione was an interesting idea to ponder, but when it led to this scary girl in his face, it lost most of its novelty. And then there was the fact that he was a channel to Hermione's thoughts, which made him even more uncomfortable. Until, that is, he was snapped out of his pondering by a sharp slap to the face.

"That's because we are, and you are scum. Don't you _ever_ forget that again."

Hermione, Ron, and the rest of the class (who were now filtering in to a very interesting sight) stood back in utter speechlessness as Harry wrestled her to the ground by the hair and shoved her face in the muddy soil.

"Nobody slaps Hermione Granger. Understood?" Harry said through clenched teeth, not sure if this was Hermione or him in control.

Pansy glared up at her venomously, but gave the smallest shrug of her shoulders possible. Her friends immediately rushed over, twittering and trying to remember cleaning spells while they glared at Harry, making nasty comments.

"That was bloody awesome, Hermione." Seamus said in awe.

"Eh?" Harry said, slowly realizing that almost the entire class was now assembled around the scene of the fight, "Thanks, I suppose…"

As the buzz began to grow louder, Hagrid appeared from the top of the hill and began lumbering his way down alarmedly as he spotted Pansy's mud-covered robes and the bright red handmark on Hermione's face.

"Erkay, class, settle down!" He commanded over the hubbub, his voice carrying rather well, "Can somebody _please_ explain wha's goin' here?"

"Hermione pushed me into the mud!" Pansy immediately cried, pointing an accusing finger at Harry, "She should get detention or something!"

"Yeah, well Pansy deserved it." Harry said simply.

"Eh? Well, wha'd she do, Hermione?"

"Well, I'm not one to stoop to _her_ level of finger-pointing, but she slapped me… and called me a mudblood, not that I care…" Harry shrugged.

"WHA?" Hagrid bellowed, his face turning bright red as his enormous hands clenched into balls.

"And Draco made some snide comment." Seamus added helpfully.

Several of the students began to speak at once, recounting their version of the fight as Hagrid attempted to get his temper (and class) under control.

"All righ'! I understand, already! Pansy, I'll be giving the report to Dumbledore along with a detention slip. I'm sure he'll inform yeh to the date when yeh meet with him. Twenty points off Slytherin for now."

Pansy's mouth opened and shut soundlessly and the Slytherin side of the class produced several cries of protests, which Hagrid muted with a stern glare reminiscent of McGonagall, that is, if McGonagall were about double her current height and width. Needless to say, the class soon fell quiet, or as quiet as it got.

"Now, who can define a faerie fer me?"

"Besides what Harry is?" Draco muttered with a chuckle.

Hermione shot her hand into the air without thinking and mentally kicked herself.

"Err, Harry?" Hagrid said, mildly puzzled.

"Faeries are supernatural beings who have very powerful magic that has the power to distort human perception. Despite popular belief, they can be _any_ size because of this power." She said, trying to stop herself.

"Tha's right…" He said, torn between being pleased and confused, "Ten points to Gryffindor."

Harry nudged Hermione slightly and she squeezed her eyes shut in frustration. Their Slytherin classmates erupted into laughter, only to be silenced by Hagrid.

"Now, there's been a problem with faeries meddlin' in the forest. How would we go about getting' rid of them?"

This time, no one raises their hand, though it takes Hermione considerable effort not to shout the answer to Harry.

"None of yeh knows the answer?" Hagrid murmured in disbelief.

The class stared at Harry, who chuckled nervously and avoided eye contact, that old trick of the unwilling volunteer.

"Hermione?" Hagrid said hopefully.

"Would you, errr.. lure them away?" Harry mumbled.

"Well, yes, but with what?"

"Err, food?"

Hagrid seems to flinch, but plays it off by pretending to bat a fly off his arm.

"Yeah, yeh could, but it wouldn't get rid of the critters permanently."

A cumulative gasp went up in the class. The unbeatable Hermione Granger had gotten her first question wrong, and no one seemed to believe it but the Slytherins, who snickered loudly.

"Not as smart as we think we are, huh, Hermione?" Draco stage-whispered.

"Go shove your head up your—" He began, almost inaudibly, before he felt Hermione's glare piercing him.

"Five points off Slytherin for that outburst, Malfoy. I didn't see ye' volunteering. Anyhow, for the type of faeries we'll be dealin' with, the strongest form of the 'erb Ue is deadly to them. We won't be going for anything quite that-- permanent, but we'll be spreading the weak potion around the forest. Yeh gotta be careful, seeing as this type of faeries are very dangerous. There're two types we'll be dealing with, the Duergar and the Lhiannan-Shee."

This time, Harry looks rather panicked, despite himself, and his hand shoots into the air.

"B-But Hagrid, don't they use powerful_ dark_ magic to lure and even sometimes **_kill_ **people?" He gaped, starting to get more and more nervous about the next lesson… and the whole foot-in-mouth syndrome he seemed to be suffering from.

The class' volume rises in a range from puzzled to startled to downright disturbed.

"We'll have it under control when we go out… yeh are wizards, after all. In fact, you'll be brewing the Ue yourselves in Potions."

The Gryffindor side of the class's voices rise in dread, and Neville groans audibly.

"Don' worry, 's easy." Hagrid said in a placating tone.

"Or so HE thinks... I'm gonna die!!!!!!" Neville whimpered to Seamus in terror.

"And, yeh'll have Snape's help." Hagrid said as several Gryffindors snorted cynically.

"With dying or the potion?" Harry mused thoughtfully, only to be roused by Hermione's elbow in his rib.

"Stay in character, dammit!" She whispered fretfully.

Ron groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Just peachy-- I have a feeling that only the Slytherins will be left after this expedition..."

Lavender Brown looked at him from a few people over and did the same.

"Tell me about it. Snape will probably ignore us if we ask for help-- either that or take points from Gryffindor. Great. He'll get to exercise his two favorite past-times."

"I don't wanna DIE!!!!" Neville bemoaned to himself.

"We WILL be going around as a class, right?" Seamus said, nervously eyeing Neville, "No partners, right?"

"Actually, we're going around in pairs like this: Harry and Pansy, Ron and Blaise, Neville and Seamus, Draco and Hermione, Goyle and Dean, and Lavender and Crabbe." He droned on with the rest of the class list, and the outraged noises came from both sides of the class.

"What does he mean pairing us up like that? I mean, come on! Blaise!" Ron shouted, shocked.

"Yeah!" Draco piped up in probably the only thing he ever agreed with Ron on, "What's the deal with these pairings? There's no way I'm going into the forest with that mu—"

"Yeh all knae that Dumbledore's been telling us that inter-house relations are important, so I decided that now was a perfect time to help the process a little." Hagrid declared proudly.

"But with Slytherins?" Ron moaned defeatedly to Hermione and Harry.

"I knew it." Seamus said, resigning himself, "Even when its inter-house groups…"

"All righ', settle down, settle down. I want your Ue ready for the next lesson. Class dismissed.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione stayed after the rest of the class was departed, and Hagrid looked at Harry's mark with concern.

"Is tha' still hurting you, Hermione? I think I might have a small piece of dragon steak left over from—well, you know…"

As he turned to go into his hut, Hermione and Harry exchanged glances and followed. It was obvious that Hagrid hadn't yet heard of their dilemma or he'd have been talking about it.

"No, I'm fine… but, errr, Hagrid, have you talked to Dumbledore yet today?" Harry asked.

"Dumbledore?" He said in mild bafflement, "What would I need to talk to him for today? Staff meetings are at the end of the week."

"Did you get any post?" Hermione moaned.

"Well, I can't say I've checked. The teachers get their mail delivered to their rooms, yeh know, and I was out making arrangements with Snape. Took a while, that did."

"So Snape didn't tell you anything… unusual?"

Hagrid looked at the two suspiciously.

"Why? Is there something yeh three want to tell me? Here, let me brew a pot of tea or…"

"Oh, I knew it… bloody Snape probably did this on purpose, not telling you…" Hermione sighed, "You see, we had an accident in Potions class, and—"

"Yeah?" Hagrid said with a sigh, "Don't tell me that this is another 'Snape is out to get us.' kind of thing. How many times do I have to tell yeh—"

"No, it really wasn't his fault." Hermione sighed, "Well, we accidentally brewed a Switching Serum, and… well, I'm Hermione, not Harry."

The shock on Hagrid's face was rather amusing. He stood with his mouth open, and the teakettle fell from his hands, shattering into several hundred pieces on his floor.

"_Reparo._" Hermione said, pulling out her wand and placing the now-whole kettle on the table.

"I didn't _think_ that Hermione would normally fight Pansy. And I knew that yeh would've known about Ue… but how did Herm—err, Harry know about the Duergar and the Lhiannan-Shee?" Hagrid muttered, still getting over the shock.

"That's what we're off to find out right now."

"An' I put yeh with Draco, Harry! Try to keep unner control, please. If—"

"It's alright, Hagrid. I'll figure a way to put up with a prat like Malfoy." Harry sighed.

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed yeh in front of the class, Hermione. It's just that yeh always know the answers, a real teacher's lifesaver…"

"Oh, its fine, Hagrid. It was only one question." Hermione smiled while managing to glare at Harry the tiniest bit.

Harry coughed nervously and sighed.

"Well, we'd better get going. We're probably going to have to talk to Dumbledore again today. Just… please, don't tell anyone."

"Yeh can trust me with a secret." Hagrid said, oblivious to the skeptical stares from the three students, "Well, good luck to yeh. I'll be readin' this letter, tha's fer sure."

Outside, Hermione glared at Harry downright evilly.

"There's no way I'm gonna get through the week. Never. I knew we just should have said we were sick! Of all the bad ideas... I can't believe I actually-- EVERYONE THINKS I GOT A QUESTION WRONG!!!! YOU'D BETTER STUDY AND NEVER MAKE ME LOOK BAD AGAIN, GOT IT????"

"Calm down, Har—Hermione." Ron said, rather cowed.

"I HATE THIS! I'm going to my room! I'm just glad that there are no more classes today! AND I'm starting to smell!!!!!!" She screeched, starting back toward the castle.

Ron looked from Hermione's retreating figure to Harry with sympathy.

"I pity you. How do you two do it?"

"I'd almost rather be at the Dursley's right now than deal with this." He said, gesturing to his body.

"Don't look now—" Ron warned, looking past Harry.

Surely enough, Harry turned around, only to see Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil rushing toward him. He looked around frantically, searching for an escape route, but found none. Steeling himself, he turned back.

"Hi, Hermione!" Parvati called, sealing his fate.

"Ermm, hi, Lavender, Parvati. What's wrong?"

"Can you help us with the ingredients to the potion early tomorrow? We really don't want to mess up." Lavender pleaded.

Panic swept over Harry in a cold wave. This was _not_ going to be good; _he_ didn't even know how to brew the damned potion. __

_I'd probably do pretty bad in most of my classes if it weren't for her…_ He mused, wondering when the last time he'd had to pick up a book and really study had been. Too long ago to remember, that was for sure…

"Ummm…" He said intelligently.

Lavender and Parvati both looked at him pleadingly and he gave in.

"Ok… but—" He protested in vain.

"Thank you soooo much, Hermione! I'm gonna get you the best Christmas gift ever!" Lavender squealed.

Parvati nudged Lavender and looked pointedly at Ron, but Lavender blushed furiously and retreated, her friend in tow to choruses of "Shut up!".

"What was that all about?" Ron muttered.

"Honestly, sometimes guys are SO dense." Harry scoffed, not really thinking.

A look of utter betrayal crossed Ron's face, displayed by his mouth hanging open.

"What did you say?" He gaped, horror-struck.

"Dense as in stupid— Oh crap, this definitely isn't good... I've gotta go talk to Hermi-- erm," He glanced across the grounds in case Lavender and co. were heading back, "That is-- Harry... before I go crazy!!!"

"I think you're too late."

"Shut up, Ron!" Harry called, sprinting across the lawn as though his sanity depended on it— which, in fact, it did.

Post-story A/N- Oh, a long post!!!! Still… I can't wait to get to when they go into the forest! I have a veeeerry interesting idea for that one.. it'll probably be in about two chapters, though. The Quidditch game should be interesting, too…-sigh- Oh well… As always, the periwinkle box is calling. Until next time, everyone! I lurve you all for helping me hit the seventy-mark!!!! Questions, comments, flames, and ideas further than that which the periwinkle box can communicate can be sent to me at laceyk1717 at ! Au revoir!__


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